“at least you're keeping yourself busy. keep yourself busy and don't let yourself think too much, obsess about things that you can't change.”
“Remember Electrik Avalon?” I said. The small group subtly shook their heads, forming a collective disconnection. I tried again. “Electrik Avalon, in the back seat of a summer car. Remember?” No recognition. Not even an attempt, the very least I was after. Just a scene of blank, unthoughtful faces, all thinking about the mundane tasks of the day to come. “Because he’s dead, and no one remembers him.” With that I left the room.
The night air was chilled and played tricks on my senses as I walked to my destination. I was crossing the street, and could hear a distant guitar playing House of the Rising Sun. As I approached the corner of the parking lot, I could make out three figures, seated on the concrete. Two girls and and one guy; he had been playing the guitar. There was a quick flash of recognition, but it faded fast. We greeted each other, and I soon found the one girl with black hair, Tia, as she had been called (her full name was Tiana), grasping onto my hands and my shoulders. ‘Take me home, take me with you’ she said. She started to fall over. The guy with the guitar asked me to list off bands and musicians he was vaguely reminiscent of. How a turning point could have formed had I just taken her home for one night. Instead I’m just sitting here wondering if things are better or worse than they could have been.
Every day it’s an endless slew of those kind of people. They’re all different, but they all fit into the same category. Too much time on their hands, not enough time to think rationally. The smallest most insignificant problem they claim as their largest most imperative problem. Justice is a false concept. A non-existent one. Small battles for the common good are won every day, but there are ten more unjust cases to shadow them. If you happen to possess that rare capability of seeing through and beyond the bleak surfaces of everyday life, it won’t shock you to discover that an attempt at finding happiness in this world is a relentless struggle. How it comes so easily to some and rarely if ever to others...
It starts kind of slowly, you know? Like, by the time you realize that you’re losing contact, it’s already in full swing. That’s what I did at first, I tried to reverse it, see old faces you remembered from the days before everything got all fucked up and clouded over, and then you try to pull them back in and socialize like everything is normal again. Maybe you’ll do that for months, not even knowing that anything is faltering, but the whole time, somehow you know that if you’re on a good high for a few weeks, it’s just going to drop off at the highest point somewhere along the line, dropping you way back down to the fucking bottom where you started. Forcing you climb all the way back up, if you want to. You can stay at the bottom again just as long as you were making your ascent because you just don’t have the energy or motivation to start working your way back up again. But this is what I can’t help but wonder...if everything happening around you all these years, and everyone surrounding you, if things had worked out differently, more to your liking, more to your satisfaction, would that drop at the end of the high hit you so abruptly? Would it hit you at all? Or would it still be around the corner regardless? Are things unfolding this way because it is honestly the best way? Maybe I’m just supposed to sit back and accept that fact, and let all those other questions and possibilities fall and run away. Well, whether or not that’s what I’m supposed to do, I can’t. It gets to the point where every human has their breaking point, where you can beat them into submission. From what I can tell, I haven’t reached mine yet. Not as long as I keep consuming my time and torturing my mind with the what-ifs and icy daydreams of do-overs and beautiful second chances that will never come. All these mistakes, all the horrible things I’ve done could just be erased. Now, how about that thought? What if they all disappeared? If I had that chance, to do it again. Would I end up here, in the same place? Is it inevitable? No one will ever know. You know I suppose right now above all things, I just need someone to talk to, or hey even someone to just listen. But around here it’s always just been me and the radio.
- Posted on
10 December 2007 - Posted by
spncr